


This Is Why People Don't Go To Jersey

by stevergrsno (noxlunate)



Series: Happy Steve Bingo Fills [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Cisnormative Language, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Happy Steve Bingo, Humor, I'm sorry I'm sure New Jersey is lovely, Idiots in Love, Idiots who don't realize they're in love, Insults To New Jersey, M/M, Magic, Mpreg, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Which makes this sound A LOT more serious than it is, it's not serious at all i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 00:09:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15874530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noxlunate/pseuds/stevergrsno
Summary: “Oh,oh, this isbeautiful.” The sorceress had said, laughter bright and pleased instead of the maniacal and foreboding that Steve was so used to with these sort of discount special super villains. “Men, always refusing to notice the things just under their noses.”And then her hand had darted past Steve’s shield, startling fast and she’d flicked him right in the forehead.Aka Sometimes A Discount Super Villain's Magic Spell Has A Nine Month Long Consequence.





	This Is Why People Don't Go To Jersey

**Author's Note:**

> Listen ya'll, if the universe didn't want me to write mpreg then I wouldn't have gotten "pregnancy" as one of my bingo squares. Tbh, I'm incredibly impressed at myself for having posted 8 different Cap fanfics and not a single one of them featuring mpreg. This here is _fate_. _Fate_ wanted me to knock up Steve Rogers, and lo, I did. 
> 
> This is a not at all serious fill for the pregnancy square in my Happy Steve Bingo card and is as always, only looked over by me before posting so all mistakes are my own. Hope you enjoy!
> 
>  **WARNING:** A warning for use of cisnormative language in this! Bucky and Steve are two cismen who are definitely coming at this from a very binary/cisnormative sort of mentality and their language regarding it at times reflects that. I absolutely don't want anyone going in unprepared and a seriously huge thanks to ElvaShayam for reminding me that I should warn for it.

“Listen, I know that a lot has changed since nineteen-fucking-forty-five, but I’m pretty sure one of the things that’s stayed the same is _men can’t get pregnant.”_ Bucky is saying, hands flailing as he demands some goddamn _answers_ while Steve is stuck staring blankly at Bucky, then down at his own stomach, then back at Bucky, and finally at Loki.

(“He does that sometimes.” Thor had said when Loki showed up, _still alive,_ in the aftermath of Thanos’ snap, shrugging like it was perfectly normal for someone he’d told them all was dead to just _come back._

Steve had contemplated the fact that he and Bucky also _did that_ sometimes and realized he couldn’t question it too much.)

Loki shrugs, waving a hand through the air in a sort of vague manner and stretching out on _Steve’s couch_ like he owns the place. “It’s magic.” He says like that’s explanation enough.

Steve is still gobsmacked and he’s also pretty sure he’s still gaping at everything like a fish, so for now that _is_ answer enough, but Bucky seems to have different ideas.

“ _Magic?_ It’s _magic?_ My- _Steve_ is knocked up- carrying a baby- is _with fucking child-_ and the best answer you can give is _oh it’s magic?”_

“Well, seeing how I wasn’t there for the initial spell, nor the conception, I couldn’t possibly know anything beyond that.”

“I didn’t _hear_ the spell.” Bucky sounds particularly petulant. It’s not at all cute, not one bit.

“Uh, I might have.” Steve says instead of focusing on the shape of Bucky’s mouth where it’s twisted around a frown.

 

See, it went like this.

It’d all started when some half cocked villain of the week wielding magic had decided to take a joyride through Jersey, altering the fabric of reality or _whatever_ it was the weirdo with glowing green hands had been trying to do. Of course, Bucky and Steve had been the only ones with the ability to show up (and the however reluctant it might be willingness to venture into Jersey on a Sunday) so they’d taken care of it.

Mostly.

They’d _mostly_ taken care of it.

There’d just been a few complications, is all.

Steve had had the sorceress right where he wanted her, pinned beneath his shield when she looked up at him with glowing green eyes. She’d dragged her gaze in a pointed up and down that had seemed to sink its claws into Steve and made him feel a bit like this woman had just looked into his soul. And then she went and laughed right in his face. It was disconcerting, considering Steve was about to slap some neutralizing cuffs onto her and then cart her off to an _incredibly_ secure prison so that she couldn’t terrorize New Jersey again.

(New Jersey, to be entirely fair, deserved a little bit of terrorizing. Steve would just like it to have a break for personal reasons involving the fact that everyone liked to bail on any random baddies that popped up in the area and Bucky and Steve were always left making the trek into the goddamn garden state. Steve’s new life involved him happily never going anywhere above 14th to be entirely honest.)

“Oh, _oh,_ this is _beautiful.”_ The sorceress had said, laughter bright and pleased instead of the maniacal and foreboding that Steve was so used to with these sort of discount special super villains. “Men, always refusing to notice the things just under their noses.”

And then her hand had darted past Steve’s shield, startling fast and she’d flicked him right in the forehead. Glowing green had washed over his vision and a warm, pleasant tingling spread from the point of impact out, and when it was over there’s nothing beneath his shield but a puff of green smoke.

Steve _hated_ magic.

 

That night they’d had sex, because Steve was of the opinion that a Post Saving The World (Or just saving Jersey) Life Affirming Dicking was the best way to celebrate not getting squashed like bugs by the fact that the universe tended to have it out for him and Bucky.

(In the universe’s defense, it seemed to have it out for them a lot less lately. Steve would even hazard to say things were _going good._ His life was peaceful enough that he taught a couple art classes at the senior center, and he got to come home every day to his best friend who was alive and at the very least semi well. By the Standards Of Steve, his life was _good.)_

It wasn’t _a thing_ was the thing. It just happened that sometimes Steve and Bucky had sex together. Sometimes being _a lot_ of the time. It wasn’t some proof of their eternal love or some bullshit like that, it was just mutually assured orgasms between a couple of pals.

They weren’t _in love_ with each other or anything. Sure they _loved_ each other, but there was a _difference._ And after all, why should Steve go out looking for someone to have a good time with and then worry about NDAs and the possibilities of tabloids and getting hounded by fucking _twitter_ when Bucky was conveniently right there and seemingly always willing to get his dick involved with Steve Rogers’ ass.

It was just _easy._

 

Six weeks and many more Mutually Assured Orgasms Between Pals later had Steve puking into his toilet and contemplating the possibility that the serum was failing enough for his stomach problems to come back with a vengeance.

Maybe the universe was finally fed up with letting Steve live the good life and it was going to throw a malfunctioning serum in there to shake things up.

These thoughts had been interrupted by the sudden and uninvited arrival of Thor and Loki in Steve and Bucky’s home and Loki’s weird maniacal laughter.

 

Loki’s eyes light up with something that looks an awful lot like maniacal glee and Steve has to remind himself of the time the Hulk threw him around like a rag doll to keep from throwing something at him.

“Oh. Oh, this is _too good.”_

“What? What’s too good?”

“Oh, no, no, I can’t tell. The spell is clearly meant to help you two figure something out, and it wouldn’t do any good for me to go telling you what that is.”

“The only thing I need to figure out is whether it’s worth having to replace my windows just to punch you out of them.” Bucky grumbles, but Steve’s not at all fooled. Bucky has a weird soft spot for Loki, one that he claims is built on a mutual suffering of giant blonde idiots.

Steve’s convinced it’s just the alien thing. If an alien isn’t actively trying to kill off half the universe then Bucky can’t be anything but fascinated.

 

“I’m not a medical doctor.” is the first thing Bruce Banner says to Steve when Bucky drags the poor guy into their home and insists he give Steve a check up.

“I’m magically pregnant. There is no NDA or team of lawyers big enough to stop this kind of thing from getting out if I go to a real doctor.” Steve says and then watches as Bruce’s face goes through a series of complicated and increasing stages of shock and then resigned acceptance.

“I never should have become a scientist.” Bruce mutters and Steve politely pretends the serum doesn’t let him hear clear as a whistle. “Could’ve become a librarian. Or a teacher. _Anything_ but a fucking scientist.”

“Listen, I know you’re busy questioning all the life choices you’ve made that have led up to this, but can ya make sure Steve’s okay or not?”

Bruce looks at Bucky like he wants to Hulk Slam him out of a window a little bit. Steve sympathizes. In their thirty-something (or over a hundred, depending on how you measure) years of friendship, he too has occasionally felt the deep and abiding desire to throw Bucky Barnes out a window. Granted, not a very high one, but _still._

“I can give him a check up but I’ll need a legitimate medical facility to do much of anything. I’m not sure what sort of knock off serum you got, but mine didn’t give me the ability to conduct an ultrasound with just my eyes.”

Steve’s not exactly a fan of medical examinations pretty much ever, but Bruce is clearly disgruntled and the shock seems to be making him a little bit of an asshole and it’s all weirdly relaxing. Steve thinks he might not even bitch at Bucky about springing a doctor on him when this is all over.

 

An hour later finds them moved to the medical floor of Tony’s tower. Almost two hours after that, Bruce is staring at some charts while absently rolling back and forth on one of Tony’s wheely chairs and muttering to himself. Tony had barged in as soon as they got there and refused to leave, and then slowly but surely, every former and current Avenger in New York had trickled in.

Steve would have thought that _logically_ , retiring would mean more of them settling down somewhere a lot quieter and a lot less prone to world ending events than New York City, but no, that apparently hasn’t been the case.

Natasha shows up first after Tony, apparently not off on some super secret spy mission that she claims she doesn’t do anymore. Steve knows better. He knows that no matter how much Nat claims she’s through burning covers, and that she’s content to live as Nadine Roman, a fickle and flighty woman who lives with her three cats in an apartment in Queens, that she will never stop playing spy games. Even if he’s pretty sure that sometimes playing spy games just means her and Clint taking one of Tony’s jets to South America to spy on some dignitary and never do anything about it.

She blows a gum bubble in Steve’s face when she gets there, then perches herself at the end of the uncomfortable table Steve’s sat on and refuses to be moved. It’s strangely comforting.

Peter shows up next with a shiner and a bloody lip and a “Mr. Stark said I had to be here to get my mind blown by you defying science again.”

Bucky promptly drags Peter aside to lecture him about how he might technically be an adult but he needs to stop getting getting his face smashed in on his time off because _the world does not need any more Steves, Peter._

Steve would be offended, except it’s certainly true. The world can barely handle one him, let alone a Peter shaped him who can swing from webs.

By the time people stop trickling in Steve’s been sandwiched between Bucky and Nat while they snipe at each other in four different languages, Sam is a face and a pair of shoulders that’s trying not to hysterically laugh from the screen of a tablet that Wanda’s holding up, and Clint is sat on one of the other tables applying liquid stitches and band-aids like this is all a normal Tuesday.

“So, you’re definitely pregnant.” Bruce says, interrupting the chatter that’s started around them. “And I’m not an ob, so take this next bit with a grain of salt, but everything looks to be progressing normally. Or as normally as a magically induced super soldier pregnancy for someone lacking the, uh, more traditional reproductive system for this kind of thing can progress.”

Bruce looks like this is the last thing he’s ever wanted to say and Steve can _see_ the regret in his eyes, can practically feel the _I should have been a fucking librarian instead_ that emanates.

“Now your boyfriend can calm down and not drag me all the way from Upstate again.” Bruce says, though he sounds a little less annoyed than someone probably should after being dragged across the state by a former assassin to check on their best friend and their best friend’s magical fetus. Bucky’s weirdly endearing, Steve understands.

“He’s not my-”

“I’m not his-”

“Right, yes, my mistake. He’s just the father of your magical fetus, it’s definitely offensive to call him your boyfriend.”

“Hey, it could be someone else’s ba-”

“If you finish that sentence I’m punching you in the dick.”

 

Steve is _sure_ that a magical, unexpected, accidental as hell pregnancy is supposed to feel a lot more inconvenient. It’s not though, _not really_.

It’s not like he’s even taking some big chunk of time off from his usual life to incubate this impossibility.

He’s _retired._ He’d taken one look at the universe, restored and whole, and Thanos dead in the dirt and handed the Cap gig off to Sam. He’d been _done._ Bucky hadn’t been, and Steve didn’t begrudge him that, but Steve had felt it in his bones- the feeling of finality, of being through with the constant fighting.

Occasionally, like the day with the sorceress, he’ll suit up and follow Bucky into a fight but for the most part, Steve Rogers lives a quiet life just like most of the other original Avengers do. (Quiet being relative. He’s not sure superheroes are particularly proficient at laying low _all_ of the time.)

It’s nice, actually. Once the puking stops and Steve’s solidly in the middle of it, it’s kind of nice. He’s not sure he ever would have voluntarily signed up to do this, but it’s certainly not as bad as being turned into a super soldier.

 

When he goes into labor and is contemplating the many, _many_ ways he’s going to track down and _end_ the sorceress who did this to him, he takes back absolutely everything he’s ever thought about it not being as bad as the serum and Howard’s machine.

 

When the baby’s born it weighs 11 pounds, 7 ounces and appears to be more of a mutant collection of rolls than a human infant.

Steve loves him immediately.

“I think he might be an alien.” He tells Bucky sincerely, staring adoringly at his and Bucky’s magically created baby. The baby stares back, looking like he’s deeply unimpressed with the fact that he has to be here. Steve _gets it._ Steve felt that way a lot for his first 20 odd years of life.

“Nah, he’s human. That look is vintage Steve Rogers. Give that face about 6 years and don’t feed it properly and it’ll look like you when we met.”

“We’re gonna feed him properly.” Steve swears, curling his son closer like he can protect him from the mere idea of not getting enough to eat.

“I was kidding Rogers, he’ll never want for shit.” Bucky drops a kiss to Steve’s forehead, soothing, and then he’s saying “Now lemme hold him, he’s my kid too.” and Steve is contemplating pulling a Clint and hiding with his son in the air ducts so he never has to let anyone else hold him.

He hands over the baby nonetheless, and is happy he did when he gets to see Bucky do something that can only be described as _melting._

“This is the stupidest shit that’s ever happened to us Steve, but god, he’s somethin’ special.”

“Yeah. Yeah, he is.”

 

“We still have to name him.” Steve says, hours later when he’s woken up from a nap and realized everything on his son is still labeled with ROGERS-BARNES BABY.

“Why the fuck didn’t we do that before?” Bucky asks, looking horrified even as he picks up their son and takes a moment to wiggle all ten of his fingers and toes. Steve is already envisioning a horrifying and wonderful future of Bucky going to the ends of the earth for this kid.

“ _Because._ ” Steve says with a vague hand wave that means ‘ _I don’t fucking know, we’re bad at this.’_

“Think we can get away with claiming that we can’t name children for the first year due to old timey beliefs?”

“Yes, but also we’re not going to.”

“Spoil sport.”

“C’mon, we gotta name him. What’s he look like to you?”

“He looks like a _you.”_

“That’s not exactly helpful.”

“Sure it is. His name is Grant.”

“No, _absolutely not.”_

“Too late. He’s a Grant. It’s in his bones. He even looks like a Grant.”

 _Shit._ He _does._

 

Thor drags Loki to Steve and Bucky’s place about a month after they bring Grant home. He shoves Loki into the middle of the living room and says “Tell them what you did, brother.”

Loki remains silent, frowning at some spot in the middle distance until Thor jabs him in the side with one massive elbow and Loki has to visibly struggle to not appear winded by it.

“It is _possible_ that the sorceress who gifted you with your bundle of joy was-” He frowns at Thor and says “Do I really _have_ to?”

Thor frowns back and says “ _Yes.”_ and Steve hopes this won’t be one of those fights where Loki stabs Thor and Thor takes down one of Steve’s walls with Loki’s body. Steve has more important things to do than dealing with an unexpected home renovation.

“The sorceress was me.” Loki says finally, looking as though this is a horrible inconvenience that he’s only subjecting himself to because of Thor.

“He was doing so good.” Thor sighs, “A whole 98 days without any attempts at taking over the world.”

“I wasn’t trying to take over the world. I was _bored._ Midgard is _boring.”_

 _“You_ did this?” Steve’s voice when it interrupts Loki and Thor’s squabbling does not _squeak_ , and if it does it is purely out of _rage._

“It was for a good cause.” Loki says, unbothered.

“What, you thought that nonconsensually modifying Steve’s body was for _a good cause?”_ Bucky’s voice stays entirely toneless throughout, but Steve can hear the emphasis somehow.

“We are still working on Loki’s grasp of morals.” Thor says, gripping tightly to Loki’s shoulders now and Steve suspects it’s to stop Loki from disappearing into thin air, though maybe it’s just so that he can throw Loki out the window and to safety should Bucky decide to lunge.

Bucky looks distinctly like he’s going to decide to lunge.

Steve shoves Grant into Bucky’s arms to keep him from lunging. It’s a useful and effective trick and Bucky settles down just slightly, tucking his son into his chest and glaring mutinously at Loki.

“So that means-” Steve starts, frowns and then stops, not sure if he wants to actually voice what’s going on in his head.

“Yes?” Loki looks immeasurably relieved by Steve’s interruption, his eyes flitting to Bucky like he’s The Winter Soldier and not a new dad who’s barely showered in four weeks.

“That means even if we were to realize whatever the hell it was you wanted us to realize, he won’t disappear.”

“ _What?”_ The question comes from two voices at once, both Bucky and Loki sounding horrified. Though on Loki it only sounds like mild horror, where as Bucky sounds like Steve just told him Brooklyn was wiped off the map and replaced with farm land.

“It’d make sense.” Steve insists, frowning a little at nothing and stealing Grant back from Bucky so he can tuck his arms around him as tight as he dares. Grant is looking particularly displeased, but he hasn’t started crying, hasn’t even started making those little hiccuping breathy noises that means a meltdown is imminent. “If the spell or whatever it was was meant to make us realize something, then it’d make sense if the ... _effects_ wore off once we met the objective.”

“You thought our baby coulda _disappeared_ Rogers.” Bucky practically hisses. The metal arm whirs, plates adjusting for emphasis.

“No. Yes. _Maybe._ We just had to never realize whatever it was we were supposed to and it’d be _fine_ though.”

“What for the next 90 fucking years? We might be dumbasses, but we’re not _that_ stupid.”

“We could-”

“ _No_.” Loki says, interrupting their argument, “The spell never would have worked like that in the first place. To give someone a child and then take it away, even one begotten by magic- that would be beyond even my capability for cruelty.” There’s a strange gentleness there that makes Steve want to back right out the door with Grant and jump out the nearest window. They’re only on the second story, it wouldn’t be a problem, especially not if it meant getting to delay realizing Thor’s crazy world dominating brother is occasionally kind of sort of almost a human being.

“Besides, the baby itself isn’t magic. Magic was merely the means that allowed his conception.” Loki adds, and Steve does not breathe a sigh of relief over the fact that the strange gentleness is gone now.

“Right. Good. That’s- That’s _good.”_ He breathes, every worry he’s held for the past few months without even realizing it seeming to ease.

“What was it you wanted us to realize anyways?” Bucky asks, curling his arms around Steve from behind, his chin propped on Steve’s shoulder and when Steve turns his head he’s making a ridiculous face at their son.

Steve smiles so much that he thinks if he wasn’t a super soldier it’d make his face hurt, and Bucky’s smile back is the best thing he’s seen.

“I’m afraid that at this rate it would take a _much_ bigger spell for you two to gain any understanding.”

“ _Brother.”_ Thor’s voice is all warning.

“Oh calm down, I’m not going to do anything. It’d be pointless.” Loki is already turning on his heel to leave their home without even a parting word, Thor following with a cheerful “Farewell Rogers-Barnes family!”

 

Later, when Steve is spread out, face down across the bed and Grant is sleeping for what will inevitably be an hour and a half followed by 45 minutes of crying, Bucky flops forward on top of Steve and says “So what’s the thing we’re not realizing, Stevie?”

“You know what it is.” Because if Bucky managed to watch Steve have _his child_ and not realize he’s _in_ love with Steve then Steve’s going to have to deal with the fact that HYDRA’s brain damage apparently had some pretty lasting consequences they weren’t aware of yet.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” Bucky says and Steve feels the soft press of lips against the back of his neck.

“Can we nap first and do declarations of love later?” Steve asks, rubbing his cheek into the pillow beneath him and wondering if he can nap _and_ have this conversation at the same time. Seems unlikely.

“Yeah, sure thing pal.” Bucky says and then he’s rearranging them until they’re on their sides, tucked together with tangled legs and Steve’s head just under Bucky’s chin. “I love you, by the way, just in case you weren’t aware.” He adds, casual as a hand smooths it’s way up Steve’s back.

“Oh yeah, you’ve been real subtle Buck.” Steve mutters into Bucky’s neck, shoving his hands up under the back of his shirt to get to warm skin and curling his body a little more so that he can press his cold feet up against Bucky’s calves. Happiness has become familiar these days, but it still catches underneath Steve’s ribs and swells like a balloon, lifting him up, up, _up._ “I had no idea, none, you’re the master of subtlety.”

He’s drifting, exhausted enough that sleep is overtaking without any of Steve’s say so, his fingers digging in as he presses his lips Bucky’s throat and mumbles something that he hopes sounds like “Love you too, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to come yell with me about various things, you can find me on [tumblr.](http://stevergrsno.tumblr.com/)


End file.
